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Stepbrother's Sin/Transcript
Watch ← Previous Episode Yu-Gi-Oh: The Abridged Series - Episode #55 Cast (In order of appearance): Yami Yugi, Seto Kaiba, Noah Kaiba, Yugi Muto, Joey Wheeler, Tristan Taylor (as robot monkey), Duke Devlin, Téa Gardner, Gozaburo Kaiba Running Time: 13:28 Episode Title: Stepbrother's Sin Transcript flying cards opening YAMI: Chris Rock was right, this job is easy! Now where's my millions of dollars? (Cut to an abandoned Kaiba Land) KAIBA: Noah's virtual Kaiba Land is a weak approximation to the real thing. I mean, where are all the disappointed cries of small children? Where are the humiliating mascot outfits? And why the hell am I able to get onto any given ride in less than 3 hours? NARRATOR: Thomas was very cross because he'd been turned into a dragon, and all the other trains didn't want to talk to him. "What a load of wankers", said Thomas. KAIBA: A Blue-Eyes White Dragon train, I have the weirdest boner right now. sequence: Yu-Gi-Oh: The Cancelled Series (Cut to the Blue-Eyes White Dragon Train over a field of lava and rock outcroppings) '''NARRATOR': Thomas was very happy to drop off Seto Kaiba in the middle of a pool of boiling hot lava, where he was about to play a children's card game with his evil stepbrother Noah. "What a lovely thing to do", said Thomas. KAIBA: (Steps off the Blue-Eyes White Dragon train) Noah, I'm surprised. I had no idea they let out kindergarten so early. Did you have fun playing with the Flintstones phone? NOAH: Funny. Did you enjoy your little tour through Kaiba Land? KAIBA: I did, actually. I forgot how entertaining the 'It's a small world compared to my ego' ride was. NOAH: I'm glad, because that was the last shred of happiness you're going to feel before I defeat you and take control of your body! KAIBA: Am I supposed to feel intimidated right now? Because I kinda don't. NOAH: Why not? KAIBA: Well, for starters, you're what, ten years old? NOAH: No, I'm ten and a half! KAIBA: Yeah, see, I don't usually get bossed around by infants. Seriously, it's like I'm being threatened by Mokuba. Now allow me to put this into terms a child like you will understand: It's time to yabba-dabba-duel! Cut to Yugi, Joey, Téa, Serenity, Duke and Robot Monkey/Tristan) YUGI: Check it out gang, Noah's dueling Kaiba! KAIBA: How the hell did you guys get here? JOEY: Well, it all started when I picked up my monkey and started to spank it in front of everybody! KAIBA: On second thought, I don't think I want to hear the story YUGI: Kaiba, listen to me! I know how you can defeat him! You know how you usually suck at this game? Try doing the opposite of that. KAIBA: Yugi, so help me God... YUGI: Or better yet, why don't you just let me duel him? I'll even do it with a handicap! I'll use your lame-ass deck. KAIBA: The day I let you touch my deck is the day I admit that I love my brother. This is between me and the Munchkin. NOAH: Really, Seto, all that posturing will only get you so far. KAIBA : Yeah, yeah. By the way, how exactly do I become a member of the Lollipop Guild? NOAH: I'm going to enjoy taking control of your body, Seto. I think the first thing I'll do is make a big donation to the local children's hospital. And I'll give all the KaibaCorp employees a raise. KAIBA: You will do no such thing! NOAH: Oh, I think I will. And then I might even make Mokuba the vice-president! KAIBA: Bastard! Why are you so cruel? NOAH: You have no idea what it's like to wake up one day and realize you're not even real! Just an artificial intelligence floating around inside a machine! The loneliness, the isolation... KAIBA (interjects): The wet pants. NOAH: The wet pa- Shut up! KAIBA: (laughs) Ahh, you peed yourself. No, sorry, tell your story, I'll be quiet NOAH: My life used to be perfectly normal. I had everything an ordinary kid would have: Violins, (Cuts to picture of Noah playing a violin), horses (Cuts to picture of Noah on a horse), maids (Cuts to picture of Noah being attended to by 4 maids) YUGI: How the hell is that ordinary? JOEY: Yeah, maybe if you're Richie Rich DUKE (Sexyback plays in background): What, do you guys not have those? NOAH: But then, in 1 moment, I lost everything (Cuts to Noah falling through a black background, and a car crash is heard) KAIBA: That reminds me of a joke. NOAH: My tragic death reminds you of a joke. KAIBA: Why did the obnoxious, green-haired punk cross the road? NOAH: What? KAIBA: To show his friends that he had guts. And man, did he have guts! NOAH: That's not funny. KAIBA: I guess you had to be there. NOAH: I was! KAIBA: And that's why it's so funny! (Cuts to Noah walking in the virtual world) NOAH: My father constructed an entire virtual world to be my playground, built to suit my every will. But eventually, I grew weary of my virtual presence. And now I seek to return to the real world! KAIBA: Oh hey, I have another joke. NOAH: Another one? KAIBA: Why did the paramedic cross the road? NOAH: I don’t- KAIBA: Because there was a dead kid lying in the middle. NOAH: I’m going to destroy you now. Brace yourself, Seto, because things are about to get real… wet. KAIBA: What are you gonna pee yourself again? NOAH: Meet my deck master, Shinato’s ark! (Shinato's ark is seen floating above Noah) Get it Seto? My name is Noah, and my deck master is an ark! KAIBA: A Bible reference? That seems a little inappropriate for a kids’ show. YUGI: I don’t know, Kaiba, it doesn’t seem nearly as bad as your costume from last year’s Halloween party. (Cuts to Kaiba tied on a rock with arms wide open) KAIBA: Can you guess who I am? WITTY PHANTOM: Uh… KAIBA: I’m Jesus! (Cuts back to Noah) NOAH: You’ll never beat me, Seto! And do you know why you’ll never beat me? KAIBA: Because if I beat you up you’ll go crying to mommy? NOAH: No, it’s because- KAIBA: Waaaaaah! Mommy! The big mean CEO jerk beat me in a card game! He.. he’s just so rich and successful and perfect and it… it just makes me so mad! Waaaaaah! NOAH: I don’t- KAIBA: Waaaaaah! NOAH: I DON’T- KAIBA: Waaaaaah! NOAH: STOP THAT! KAIBA: Wah. NOAH: (Displaying a weird, distorted face) Huhuhuh! Poor Seto! He has no idea what’s about to happen! KAIBA: Oh my god! What’s wrong with his face? Guys have you seen this? What the hell’s wrong with his face?! JOEY: (Displaying a distorted face himself) I fail to see the problem! KAIBA: What the hell is wrong with everybody’s face?! NOAH: You can’t defeat me, because I possess the person you care about more than anyone else in the world! KAIBA: Unless you’ve somehow kidnapped me without my knowledge, I think that’s impossible. NOAH: Behold Seto! (Mokuba appears in front of Noah) Your little brother now obeys my every command! MOKUBA: Come at me, bro. KAIBA: Mokuba! Snap out of it! NOAH: That won’t work, I’m afraid. I brainwashed him to believe anything I say! Watch: Mokuba, what is your favorite Yu-Gi-Oh spin-off? MOKUBA: Yu-Gi-Oh! GX. KAIBA: No! MOKUBA: Closely followed by Zexal. YUGI: That is… messed up. KAIBA: You monster! He’s just a child! He doesn’t know what he’s saying! NOAH: How does it feel, Seto? Knowing you’re about to lose your company AND the only person who ever really loved you? (sniggering) HAHAHAHAHAHA! KAIBA: Mokuba… You have to listen to me. Remember all the good times we had! (Flashback of Mokuba locked in a prison from episode 13) KAIBA: Pegasus, I’m going to make you pay for stealing my cards! NOAH: And for kidnapping me, right Seto? KAIBA: Shut up, Mokuba, Mommy and Daddy are talking. (Flashback of Mokuba watching TV from episode 24) MOKUBA: Hey big brother, can I watch Spongebob? KAIBA: Shut up, Mokuba. (Unseen scene probably taking place in episode 34) KAIBA: What do you think, Mokuba? YAMI: I’m not Mokuba. KAIBA: Shut up, Mokuba! (Another unseen scene, Mokuba is holding a mike while standing in the middle of a stadium. Thousands of spectators are watching) MOKUBA: And here to make a very special announcement, my big brother, Seto! KAIBA: (clears throat, before talking in his own microphone) Shut up, Mokuba. (Everyone applause) (Cuts back to Mokuba) MOKUBA: I don’t really remember any… KAIBA: No, Mokuba… You have to understand. Whenever I told you to shut up, what I was trying to say is that I lo… I luuuh… I luh… Ugh… Sorry, threw up in my mouth a little. What I’m trying to say is: I love you. MOKUBA: Seto… You really mean that? KAIBA: Yes, Mokuba. JOEY: Hey Yugi, do Kaiba’s fingers look like they’re crossed behind his back? YUGI: Huh, now that you mention it… JOEY: Hey Kaiba! How come your fingers are crossed behind your back? KAIBA: Don’t listen to that guy, Mokuba. MOKUBA: What, what is he saying? KAIBA: He said… uh… Blah blah blah, I’m a crappy duelist. JOEY: Blah blah blah I am not! KAIBA: Hey Wheeler, does it look like my fingers are crossed now? JOEY: Uh no actually, it just looks like you’re flipping me off… Hey! MOKUBA: Seto, I love you too! NOAH: No Mokuba, what about all the donuts I promised you? MOKUBA: My brother is worth all the donuts in the world! NOAH: But he doesn’t love you the way I do! MOKUBA: I’m kind of okay with that actually, there’s only so much weird touching I can take. I’m gonna need a lot of counseling… I’m coming bro! TÉA: Kaiba chose his own brother over the duel! YUGI: And that’s why he’ll never be king of games. JOEY: Kind of a dick thing to say, Yugi. YUGI: Yeah but I’m still the king, bitch. NOAH: Fine! So what if I lost Mokuba? I can still win this duel! Reveal my deck master’s true form! Mecha Shiva! MECHA SHIVA: Mecha Shiva! Mecha Shiva! Mecha Shiva! Mecha Shiva! Mecha Shiva! Mecha Shiva… KAIBA: Mokuba… (Mecha Shiva fires a beam at Kaiba and Mokuba, turning them into stone) YUGI: Oh my god! He turned them both into statues! And Kaiba’s statue is smiling! JOEY: It’s the puppy apocalypse! MOKUBA: (crying)Shoulda gone with the donuts… NOAH: HAHAHAHAHAHA! Now nothing can stop me from entering the real world! YAMI: If you ask me, it sounds like someone needs a spanking. And I don’t mean the good kind of spanking! I mean the bad kind! Which could be good if you like that sort of thing. But it’s going to be BAD. In a good way. NOAH: Have we met? YAMI: The name’s Yami! And I’m the guy who’s gonna be doin’ the spankin’! DUKE: Oh not cool! He totally stole my move! NOAH: In case you haven’t noticed, I just won the duel! Kaiba’s body is mine! I’m free! YAMI: Hah! You call that a body? On a scale of one to me he rates a measly six and a half! And that’s being generous. NOAH: And what? You think you’re a better candidate? YAMI: Are you kidding? No, look at this body! I’m sexy and I know it! I work out! Plus I’m the king of games. Would you rather be Kaiba and live the rest of your life knowing you’re only second best? Or stand tall at the top of the mountain? My body, Noah: Take it or leave it. TÉA: I have the weirdest boner right now… NOAH: Interesting. Very well, I shall allow you to continue the duel from where Kaiba left off. YAMI: Sounds good to me. I’ll even use Kaiba’s lame-ass deck. KAIBA: (unable to speak fluently since he was turned into a statue) Humph! Humph! YAMI: Hm, let’s see what card he has… (takes Kaiba's cards on the floor) Oh hoho, no! You’re kidding me! He uses this?! I thought that card was banned years ago! Noooooooo…. Kaiba has Watapon?! Oh my god I’m so blogging about this when we get home! KAIBA: Son of a bitch! YAMI: Hey, Joey! Watapon! Am I right? JOEY: Nyeh! What a noob! KAIBA: Ghnuuuh! YAMI: Now, let’s make this duel quick, because I have an urgent hair shop walk-in appointment I have to get to! NOAH: You’re wasting your time! You can’t defeat someone with my powers! I have a brain the size of a planet! In this world, I am a god! YAMI: Prove it! NOAH: What? YAMI: I don’t believe you, prove you’re a god! Do something impressive. Make me like Kaiba. NOAH: I can’t do that. YAMI: Tss! Some god you turn out to be! NOAH: I AM A GOD! YAMI: I had no idea that gods still wet their beds. NOAH: Fool! You have triggered* my anger! Now watch as I turn your friends into stone! First, Duke! (turns Duke into stone) Then Serenity! (does the same with Serenity) SERENITY: Aaaaaah! JOEY: No Serenity! Great, now I’ve got to win another tournament to fix this. NOAH: Then Joey! JOEY: Nyeeeeeeeh! YAMI: And nothing of value was lost. NOAH: Then Téa! TÉA: Aaaaaah! Pharaoh… I… love… you… YAMI: Wonder who that was. NOAH: And finally, the robot monkey! YAMI: No! Not the robot monkey! Oh… Manly fainting noises! Such… power… It’s… inconceivable… oh I can’t take it… losing… consciousness… smugness… fading… it’s… over… I can’t go on… YUGI: (appearing as a ghost) Don’t lose hope Pharaoh! YAMI: What? Yugi! YUGI: If you can’t believe in yourself, then believe in the Yugi who believes in the heart of the cards. (Both of them are taken to Yugi's soul room) YAMI: Ah! Where are we, my soul room? Aaah! (seeing Joey, Tristan, Serenity, Téa and Duke) Ghosts! Begone foul beings! TÉA: Pharaoh, it’s us! Your friends! YAMI: Begone foul beings! (Kaiba and Mokuba appear as well) Wait what are you doing here Kaiba? Are you also one of my friends? KAIBA: Only for the purposes of this hallucination. YAMI: Are you here to tell me how to win this duel? KAIBA: No, I’m here to warn you that if you so much as think of using my Blue Eyes in this duel, I will never forgive you. YAMI: Very well, Kaiba. I promise not to use your Blue Eyes cards… KAIBA: Good. YAMI: …unless it’s absolutely necessary. KAIBA: No! Not even if it’s necessary! YAMI: Okay, okay, geez! Why don’t you just marry the Blue Eyes if you love it so much? KAIBA: Believe me, I’ve looked into it. JOEY: Yugi, take my card! TÉA: And my card! TRISTAN: I’m just here for the food! SERENITY: Take my card, Yugi! DUKE: And my card! GIMLI: And my axe! (Yami wakes up) YAMI: How dare you treat my friends so shamefully?! NOAH: Why do you keep fighting? There’s nothing in your deck that can stand up to my- YAMI: Oh there’s something in my deck alright… NOAH: What is it? YAMI: Oh you’ll find out, I’m about to summon it! NOAH: Tell me! YAMI: The card I have is… Kuriboh! KURIBOH: Do da la, motherf*cker! NOAH: Oh come on, that pitiful little card cannot- KURIBOH: Do da onomnomnomnomnomnomnom! (leaping at Noah) NOAH: Ah! Oh! Mommy get if off me, get it off! KURIBOH: Do da laaaaaaa… NOAH: Yuck! Note to self: Remember to get my shots when I enter the real world! YAMI: And now, with Kaiba’s blessing! KAIBA: Ugghhhhh… YAMI: I summon his most powerful lame-ass monster! Attack, Blue Eyes Ultimate Dragon! NOAH: AAAAAAAH! I can’t lose! I won’t lose! (Kaiba, Mokuba, Duke, Serenity, Joey, Téa and the robot monkey are back to normal) JOEY: Nyeh? We’re back! TÉA: Yugi must have won the duel with Kaiba’s lame-ass deck! KAIBA: And f*ck my life. MOKUBA: Thanks for telling me you love me, Seto. KAIBA: And f*ck my life hard. MOKUBA: Bro fist? (Kaiba punches Mokuba) AUGH! That wasn’t a bro fist at all! KAIBA: Felt like one to me. NOAH: You’re not getting away that easy! Your nipples belong to me! I want your body, give it to me! Let me in… let me in! YAMI: I have the weirdest boner right now! GOZABURO: Oh yeah, that’s right… squash him… squeeze him… make him work for it… That’s it Noah! Category:Abridged Transcripts